I'm fed up with awards shows. As though it wasn't bad enough last week when Kanye (the most egotistical jerk on the face of this or any other planet) went after Taylor Swift (the nicest, sweetest human being to ever walk the Earth). Before I get to my main point, if I ever do, I'd like to point out that I have declared a moratorium on Kanye songs. I don't ever want to hear one again. If someone nearby is playing a Kanye song and they refuse to switch it off, I will react as though they are Kanye himself and I will lay them to waste. Sure, I'm scrawny and I probably couldn't beat Taylor Swift in a fight let alone her attacker. However, my superior intellect will allow me to go all Lex Luthor on any remaining Kanye fans (so, Kanye).
Somewhat related point: how is Beyonce's video containing three people dancing in front of a blank background the video of the year? I've seen more creative variety than that on Scooby Doo.
Anyway, that's just a frustration over a fake awards show that no one would've cared about if it didn't contain purity being attacked by pure evil (noun vs. oxymoron cage match). A real awards show, the Oscars, was also quite disappointing much earlier this year. Why? Because I hadn't heard of half of the nominated films and performances until they were nominated. And I'd like to point out that I spend half of my life reading about upcoming films on the internet (the other half watching said films). Anyone who knows me, has met me, or just seen my t-shirts as I walk across campus must know that I was PISSED when The Dark Knight didn't even get a nomination. So, for a while now I've been planning the perfect Batman film (as far as the Oscars are concerned, it would actually suck horribly and destroy 70 years of comic book history, but I really want that award).
The name of the film: 13atman (I wish I had come up with this, thanks to my good friend Brad who was equally as upset over the Oscars). The title invokes: it's like Batman, but not really. He's having an identity crisis. Is he a Bat? Or is he just another number in a sea of people, with not much separating him from 12atman and 14atman? That's actually pretty good, I'm awesome. But, the point is, Indie-lovers would read into the title so much that the pre-Oscar buzz portion of my revenge will be complete. The next step: instead of having Bruce Wayne's fortune come from his family estate, why not make him a poor kid in India who wins a million dollars by getting Mr. Mxyzptlk to say his name backwards? (gotta get some nerds interested too) Then, he can become a wonderful member of society, only to be shot at by a bigot who thinks that he and Robin are a little too dynamic of a duo (if you know what I mean. It pains me to even write the words, but if you want an award for Batman, this is what it takes). Throw Kate Winslet's nipples in there and you've got Oscar gold.
Wow, remember when my blog was fun for the whole family? I guess I'm looking to win an award and I'm taking a trick out of HBO's book to do it.
Think I'm crazy? Well, so do I. Sadly, some Indie filmmaker will probably read this after waking up from an acid trip and think it's brilliant. The facts are these: the winners are either chosen by a riveting game of Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock or the Academy just wants to force people to watch movies they'd never go to see by showering them with awards. The Emmys, it would seem, are no different. Although I did very much enjoy the hosting talent of Neil Patrick Harris (he's the man) and it was overall an entertaining show, I couldn't help but notice that the Emmys are starting to look more and more like the Oscars every year (not just in statuette color tone).
The show that has won these past two years is Mad Men. A show which is, in fact, one of about 7 shows I don't watch (there are two kinds of shows I don't watch: Grey's Anatomy and crap that reminds me of Grey's Anatomy). No matter how many people tell me to watch Mad Men, and how much I want to be interested in it, I'm not at all. If period pieces are so interesting then why doesn't Hallmark Channel have an Emmy monopoly? When I looked up the show on Wikipedia and checked under "themes" (for a real show like Lost, listings would be: life and death, moral gray area, destiny and fate, etc.) all I saw was: "Mad Men depicts parts of American society and culture of the early 1960s, highlighting cigarette smoking, drinking, sexism, adultery, homophobia, antisemitism, and racism as examples of how that era was (here's the kicker) so much different from the present."
Umm, yeah... because I had to look up half of those words on Urban Dictionary due to the fact that they don't exist anymore in our utopian society. So people on the show smoke, and this makes it the Emmy winner? (note for 13atman, make Batman a smoker) I'm sure there's more to the show than that, like love triangles and unexpected pregnancies in season finales (things which would be unheard of on any other show...if this was 1963. Maybe they're giving awards to the show as though it were released in the 60s too). And unless I'm mistaken (I just checked and as usual, I am not) there were only two shows from network television nominated for Dramatic Series. TWO! I love both shows and I'm glad they were nominated, but come on people. Comedy fared much better, although one of the nominees was Family Guy which tells me that the people in charge of nominations were either 12 years old or Seth McFarlane's relatives. Two of the cable nominations were Weeds and Entourage, two shows which I love dearly. However, neither the fourth season of the former nor the fifth season of the latter was deserving of a nomination. Great shows, not their best seasons. And I watch 39 shows that are currently running in some way, shape, or form so don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about.
So I began to wonder, why doesn't an excellent show like Dollhouse ever get a nomination? Too weird, that's why. Forget that the writing manages to be more real and more clever than anything HBO has come up with since The Sopranos went off the air, while still managing to be a crazy awesome sci-fi show that nerds like me love. In fact, if we're looking for shows with the most artistry and creativity, it's rarely going to be a realistic one. And if it has to be, then why not give Dexter some love? It's on cable, and it's incredible (and Michael C. Hall freaking needs to win for that performance!). It gets nominated each year, sure. But that makes it hurt even more when it loses. The conclusion I've come to is similar to the Oscar conclusion. They give awards to shows that not as many people watch so that more people will pay the extra money to watch those shows. Or, the 12-year-old nominator hypothesis is correct and shows that get to say more naughty words are nominated, because swearing is cool. (note: in 13atman replace Biff! and Zing! with &*%#! and @*^$!)
But no, instead Glenn Close won yet another award, because she really needed one. She received it for playing a tough-as-nails lawyer who can take control of any situation just as well as any man (so, every other role she's ever played except this time it's a lawyer. She's basically going through all of the costumes Barbie's ever had on and making them more respectable). Not that I was familiar with any of the other performances, but I would've liked Elisabeth Moss to win (even though she was from Mad Men, my new nemesis) simply because her character on The West Wing was adorable (and yet also tough in many ways, so more diverse than any of Glenn Close's roles). And Jim Parsons, who masterfully plays the neurotic Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory (one of the funniest shows currently on TV, especially because of the nerd references) lost out to Alec Baldwin: a man who has gone largely unnoticed in the entertainment industry. A man who is not at all the Kanye West of Hollywood. A man who would never dream of winning money on Celebrity Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and giving it to retired circus animals (true story, check the tapes). The whole thing just makes you nauseous (although I do enjoy his character on 30 Rock, but he basically plays a Bizarro version of himself).
There was a small glimmer of hope: Michael Emerson finally won for his portrayal of my #3 favorite villain of all time: Benjamin Linus. That made me happy, because he's deserved it for a very long time. Other than that, my question remains, when will the deserving pieces of fiction be the ones that win? When will Quentin Tarantino, easily one of the greatest directors of our time, receive the Oscar he so deserves? When will the Academy that likes to talk about giving awards to movies that inspire people, stop nominating movies that make people want to jump off a bridge? When will Emmys be given to writers who do more than put a cigarette in a character's mouth or drop the f-bomb? I'll tell you exactly when: when I accept the award for 13atman. My speech will dismantle the whole industry, cracking the mask to reveal the rot underneath. And if I can somehow draw a connection between the Academy, the Postal Service, and orthodontists, then I can destroy all of my enemies in one fell swoop.
But first, I'm going after Kanye.
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