Beyonce: I Would've Let Dr. Evil Have Her

Before we get started, yes I realize her name has an accent mark. I can't figure out how to do that on the computer I'm using (stupid PCs). Anyway, it's not just Beyonce I'm upset with, or more like her fans (if I was her I'd be doing the same thing, it's the response that gets me). There's a whole wave of talentless hacks out there who simply warble repeated phrases with synthesized voices. Now, I realize these people are attractive, but that's no excuse. Back in the day when you were talentless and hot you starred in an action movie, but now I've got to hear you on the radio all day instead (exception: Jessica Alba). True, there are a scarce few people who (though the style of music might not be my favorite) can actually sing, and are also good looking (Taylor Swift if you're reading this, I'm single! I'm also single if you're not reading this).

To begin with, all Beyonce does in her songs is repeat phrases. I counted in the car today, and in the song "Halo" she says the word "halo" 33 times (the things I do for my blog). That's ridiculous. And who was paid to write that song? They paid this person to write a few lines of a song, and then pull a random word out of a hat for the purpose of being repeated. It's the same thing with her song "Single Ladies" where she says "single ladies" 14 times and "if you like it you shoulda put a ring on it" 9 times. That's pretty much the whole song right there! The monotony is almost enough to hypnotize one into buying her CDs (a plausible explanation). And it's not just her, any number of artists today blare out a single word or phrase and just hit the repeat button on their larynx. Not that it hasn't always been that way to an extent, but I hate things that are about nothing. Unless it knows it's about nothing, in which case it's awesome (such as Seinfeld or "Stacy's Mom").

I also find Beyonce's songs to be obnoxious. She purports to be some sort of "strong female" in the media, but she's really just a sex symbol like anybody else. The real lyrics to one of her songs should be, "If I were a boy, I'd still have no talent, but I'd be working at McDonald's." She's made her way on her physical appearance, which is the way it works so that's fine, but don't pretend that people like you for your personality (which she severely lacks). The lynchpin of this was a song she had way back when she was still part of a group, a shout out to independent women. The song's about women who make their own way in the world, who don't need a man to support them, etc. Well that's all well and good, if you're actually one of those people (a clue: she is not). Not to say that she didn't work hard on her singing to become famous, but at the end of the day, celebrities are what we make them. She wouldn't be making any money if she didn't have the classic "women want to be her, men want to be with her" dynamic. There's no rhyme or reason to why the public latches onto certain people over others. You could have someone like Andy Warhol who continues to bring in bazillions of dollars with his painted toilet and his Campbell's soup cans, and on the other hand you've got comic books artists with actual talent who probably have to moonlight as telephone cleaners just to pay the electric bill.

Beyonce, Fergie, (who not only repeats her words, but spells them) and others like them are the poster children for a much larger societal problem. And just so I can get a shot in at the show I hate, let's call it the "Grey's Anatomy" phenomenon. Basically, people don't want any depth anymore. Even back when I was a kid, being "shallow" was a bad thing. Nowadays that's all anyone is, with rare exception. I remember a few years ago I was hearing a song recorded for babies by either Kathy Lee Gifford or Kathy Griffin (not sure which one, you can see how I'd mix them up in my mind, though they're about as similar as Mekhi Phifer and Michelle Pfeiffer) and it went like this, ahem, "Wooji wooji woo, wooji wooji woo...wooji wooji woo" for several minutes, not that they played the whole thing thankfully. Now, that was a song for babies and infants because they like repeated phrases and sounds, because it's simple enough for them to understand. But tell me, is there such a vast difference between "Wooji wooji woo" and "Shake shake, a shake shake, a shake it?" (even more ridiculous when written out isn't it?) This means that we as a society really advance very little beyond our infantile minds. As I pointed out before, everyone either loves songs that are about nothing (such as my new nemesis, "That's Not My Name") or songs that are about nothing but use big words to pretend like they're about something (30+ years of Springsteen).

Now why did I use Grey's Anatomy as an example? I will tell you exactly why. Because I hate it with a passion. Last Valentine's Day, my valentine was my hatred for Grey's Anatomy. At first I just hated it because it delayed the last five episodes of Boston Legal season 1. Then I hated it because it was narrowly beating CSI (a far superior show, superior the way Michael Jordan is better than a platypus at basketball) every week. Now I hate it because it's devolving television. Just when things were starting to look good and fiction was starting to require its viewers to think a little bit. Just when Harry Potter swooped in on his broomstick and helped to save some children from illiteracy. Just when there was some hope, stupid Grey's Anatomy comes in and gives its viewers mindless trash every week.

Although it remains a moderate hit in its own right, Lost is far and away the best show on television (I've watched tens of thousands of episodes of TV at this point, I think I know what I'm talking about). And yet, only X amount of people will remain with it to the end, because it requires you to actually use your brain. Now, as much as I love American Idol, it's really just mindless entertainment (and it is quite entertaining, not to downplay that at all). Thankfully, CSI exists. It's a show that both rewards continued viewership/attention to detail and remains accessible to people who have never seen it before. But it's the exception, because for every great show like CSI or Dollhouse (which thankfully got renewed, they must have read the blog) there are five shows that are terrible. I'm treated to this crap on every commercial break:

"Oh my god I cannot believe you slept with him!"

"Oh my god I cannot believe you slept with her!"

"Oh my god some guy is injured!"

DRAMATIC BOOM......Grey's Anatomy.

And it was all bad enough, until the newest and worst of them all came along: Lady Gaga. The fourth horseman of entertainment's apocalypse (the first three being Beyonce, Fergie, and whatever jerk invented Grey's Anatomy). At least Beyonce seems like a nice person, aside from her stupid songs that I hear over and over, I feel like if I met her in real life she'd be really nice and easy to be around. Fergie not so much, but at least her songs are nice enough at their core (obvious exception: "London Bridge"). Lady Gaga on the other hand, sings about promiscuity and drunkenness. Like there's not enough of that already. In my future book of why I need to take over the world (I am currently accepting applications for positions in my Empire) I can't decide whether I want to call it "Australian Dessert" or "Just Dance." Because that song is the epitome of our feelings today: sure there are lots of problems that need fixing, but why don't we just get drunk and dance? Because then everything will be okay.

Sigh...well, this is what happened to the Roman Empire. They started to focus more on entertainment and personal gratification than security and national interests, and we see where that got them. People need to read more, use their brains a bit, and watch some good TV. Wait for the DVD of HBO and Showtime shows if you're financially constrained, or rent them, or illegally download them for all I care! Just watch them and help save America! Because as Stephen King's immortal gunslinger phrased more eloquently than I could, "To learn what was most important to a society, first learn how they dreamed." This leaves us with some hope as the biggest movies at the box office are superhero films, but turn on the radio and this leaves us less than excited for the future. Because if our ideals are personified by the likes of Lady Gaga and Beyonce, well let's just say we might not be prepared when the Visigoths come calling.