I am the Twenties, Hear Me Roar

Upon turning 21 last month, I went to dinner with my parents and had my first drink. Actually, I had about five sips of it, because that was all I could take. What is the appeal exactly? For instance, I go to happy hour most Fridays with my friends from (undisclosed college location) and I've always gotten raspberry tea. Why? Because it's smooth and delicious. Plus, during happy hour all non-alcoholic drinks are free (unless you get the vindictive waitress, she knows who she is). Well, on the happy hour after my birthday I figured I'd have a drink recommended by my friends. A beer was recommended that was "fruity and smooth." It tasted like rot in my mouth. And the "Jack and Coke?" It tastes like distorted coke (coke's evil twin). And on top of being disgusting, they cost a lot! So I can either have a raspberry tea for free with free refills, or I can pay four dollars for something that burns my throat. The choice is obvious right?

Apparently not.

I don't know whether the Body Snatchers forgot to snatch my body, or if I was experimented on as a child (this might explain my superhuman eyesight, hearing, and ego) but I really can't stand the taste of alcohol, especially beer. And people tell me: "it's an acquired taste." Well how much money will it take and how many times does my face have to scrunch in agony before I acquire that taste? Since the answer is somewhere between 1 and a number I have no desire to calculate, I say forget it. Why not just enjoy a refreshing iced tea?

And to answer your questions: did I always like broccoli? Freakishly yes. Have I always enjoyed tuna? Absolutely, as Jerry Seinfeld adequately put: "The idea of lunch was built on the foundation of tuna." You know what I didn't like when I first had it? Wasabi sauce, which is incredibly spicy. You know how many times I've had wasabi since? If you guessed zero, send in recorded proof of this for a complimentary kewpie doll. I mean, I burned my hand on a stove once and I have no reason to believe that putting my hand on the stove again will yield a different result. However, I'm sure if I kept my hand there for a while, the nerve endings in my hand will be gone and it wouldn't hurt so much anymore (hand burning is an acquired taste, and costs less than alcohol, I highly recommend it).

Now, I do understand drunks. At least they have a clear goal in mind, albeit highly misguided, which is to become drunk. And how does one do this? With lots of alcohol. Well that's at least flirting with being a logical progression. However, getting home and having a beer with dinner to complement the meal? This I fail to understand. It dehydrates you, and I'm not sure I like my steak with a side of ferment. And what about the old days of wine? Sure, it was better to drink than water (an easily solvable problem that no one seemed to be intelligent enough to figure out in those days) but let's see if this sounds appealing to you: grapes are stomped on with people's bare feet (which have been to countless unknown and possibly disease-ridden places), the juice is kept in a barrel for forty years or so, and then you drink it. How would you like to have some water that's been sitting around in a barrel for forty years? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't, I don't drink water that's older than 22 years (depending on the consistency of the barrel it's been lying around in).

Or how about Vodka? What is it about a sweet, delicious Arnold Palmer (iced tea and lemonade, best drink ever) that screams out: "You know what's missing? Rotted potato skins." All I'm saying is that I wish they'd have thought of prohibition a bit sooner. It was too late by the time it rolled around, and now look where we are. People will drop seventy dollars a weekend at the bar and then say to me, "Dude how can you spend so much on DVDs?" If Mother Teresa wants to reach out to be from beyond the grave and tell me I'm a selfish jerk who spends his money on DVDs and video games when he could be giving it to the poor, that's totally fine (and would likely be influential to me, plus I pretty much own everything I want at this point anyway). But anyone else can keep their mouth shut because all of my DVDs are still here. What's become of all that alcohol? It's gone, and it's not coming back. (In addition, they don't seem to mind how much money I spend on DVDs when they want to borrow something, then all of a sudden I'm Domenic: Patron Saint of Loaning Stuff. I say, build a church in my honor with a sweet stained glass rendition of me, then we'll talk)

In my defense, I've tried most of the things that I condemn (except for stuff that's obviously terrible like cocaine, heroin, and Hallmark movies). I can officially say that cigars are another waste of money (you might as well just pick up some leaves, light them on fire, and stick them in your mouth. It's the same effect and it won't cost as much). On a moderately unrelated note, this is the same reason I'll be viewing Slumdog Millionaire soon. I'm sure it's a good movie, maybe even a great movie. But we'll see if it might be better than the Oscar-snubbed Dark Knight (a clue: no). I think everyone says: "beer must be great, look at how long it's been around!" and "cigars must be great, why else would they be so expensive?" They expect it to be a certain way, and ignore the painstakingly obvious bad taste that ensues in their mouths. This is similar to something I call the Shakespeare phenomenon (the guy is way overrated, a blog on this will come when I feel like being on every English major's hit list). I say don't be afraid to have a dissenting opinion, tell people how nasty you think beer is, tell them how much whiskey burns your throat, and yell it loudly from the rooftops that if Shakespeare wanted "Romeo and Juliet" to be tragic then why exactly did he spoil the ending in the first paragraph?