The Sky Was Sunny and the Air was Sweet, but the Lights Have Gone Out on Sesame Street

Where has my friend Cookie Monster gone? Where is the Count? Oscar the Grouch? Oh sure, Elmo's here. Don't remind me. Sadly, Cookie Monster's best days are behind him. Where once was a jolly creature, hardly resembling a monster at all, now remains a mere fragment of what once existed (and not just because of the pounds he dropped). This so-called "Snack Monster" for whom "cookies are a sometimes snack" is an insult to viewers, America, and humanity in general. Sure, cookies aren't the best thing to be snacking on, but when did we start looking to TV to do every aspect of parenting for children? Sure, I learned a lot of things from TV when I was a kid: whether to care or not that Jimmy cracked corn (pretty sure you're not supposed to, I'm not incredibly familiar with the terminology but it doesn't sound very impressive), that little Miss Muffet enjoyed some curds and whey (apparently cottage cheese actually, not a great thing to eat on a summer's day), and that my name was not my name at all but in fact John Jacob Jingleheimer Smith (which allegedly used to be "Schmidt," sounds like a foiled plot to recruit children for the Third Reich). However, the real stuff I learned from my parents. I used to think this was normal, but I sadly don't anymore.

So the Cookie Monster eats cookies, well he is a bit chubby so can't he function as a cautionary tale? Well, as this would require some actual effort on the part of parents, I guess that's just not what's needed in today's world (they're too busy applying their five-year-olds to college). So instead we've got snack monster: a creature that magically makes children want to eat vegetables instead. In fact, didn't you hear about that new study that links Snack Monster to an alarming decrease of obese children? Yeah neither did I. The fact is that kids want cookies because they're delicious, and no matter how crisp the apple or how juicy the orange, at the end of the day fruit just can't compete with good old man-made sugar-coated sugar. So we can either deal with it or we can cross our fingers and hope that Snack Monster gets the point across, lest we all lose our mobility and become Jabba the Hutts (honk if you've seen Wall-E).

This is a slippery slope that we're on, soon The Count will become "The Guesstimator." Instead of teaching children how to properly use numbers he'll just say, "I had five chairs, I gave one to Susie. So now how many chairs do I have?" Three! "Well that's close enough kid, what are we going to do with that chair you forgot about anyway?" I don't know, if you're going to go with that line of thinking, why doesn't Susie just get her own chair? Or for that matter, why do we all need these abstract apples in one hand/oranges in the other anyway? We never seem to do anything with them. Because it teaches us how to count! That's why! The Count used to be my hero: a dark creature of the night who regained his humanity by teaching little kids how to use numbers (I suspect he's the only vampire who can see himself in a mirror). Soon they'll probably cure him of his vampirism only to be inflicted with a much more serious condition: yuppie-ism (garlic doesn't work, I've tried).

And how about my main man Oscar the Grouch? He's supposed to teach kids dry humor, as well as the dangers of gambling debt (subtly implied). Here again is a creature who has clearly been treated poorly due to his monstrous appearance and cynicism, who chooses to live outside of civilized society because he feels that's what he deserves. And then young kids come and visit him and show him maybe life's not so bad after all. Sure, the next week he's a grouch again (his contract would be up if he wasn't) but I always believed that one day he would leave that garbage can and rejoin the muppet race. Now they've probably got him on anti-depressants. Because why use human kindness to cheer up someone when we can just use an OTC? There's another good lesson for kids: the solutions to your problems are at the bottom of a bottle kids! (pharmaceutical or otherwise)

Interlude: Elmo is likely the cause of all of these problems, he/she always freaked me out and has since become the (wo)man behind the (iron) curtain of terrible children's programming if you ask me.

These problems aren't inherent to Sesame Street. Kids shows were so good when I was a kid. I still watch Animaniacs, Pinky and the Brain, and of course Batman the Animated Series (the greatest show of all time). They were good for kids, in some ways even better for adults (like most Pinky and the Brain viewers know what "The Donner Party" was) and they of course had some life lessons that are important for everyone to learn: the Brain always wanted to take over the world, but he once pointed out that "sometimes the price is too high to pay," the Animaniacs created a fun song for remembering state capitals, and where would any of us be without Batman and Superman? I would be lost without any of these characters, who continue to teach me things to this day (slightly different things, like how Batman's villains are a dark reflection of aspects of his own psyche and how breaking the fourth wall on Freakazoid! is a perfect parody of the superhero cartoon genre). Now we've got Dora the Explorer, a show that teaches children that repeating a villain's name and a phrase three times will make him go away (I shouted "Swiper, no swiping!" at a mugger the other day and he strangely didn't return the old lady's purse). It also teaches kids how to speak Spanish, not a bad idea except that I don't run into too many people who can speak English properly (as opposed to properly speak English, for you split infinive nutjobs). What's next? How about Wishy Washy: the Politically Correct Dinosaur. The premise would consist of a dinosaur teaching kids how to think for ten minutes about every word that comes out of their mouths so that they'll never accidentally insult the indiginous people of Wherever, Somewhere-That's-Not-The-United-States.

I actually think I'm onto something with that show, might as well cash in on the decline of society right? The whole point is that there seems to be less of an emphasis these days on personal responsibility since when I was a kid (which wasn't too long ago) and this line of thinking has now infected our children's programming. There used to be awesome cartoons with great plots, clever writing, and a good message for the kids. Now, they might as well be looking to put kids in an Ipcress style room with the TV on from when they're born until they're five. This must be their plan, because the only things that can stop a little kid from eating a cookie are brainwashing and attentive parenting. I'd rather live in a society where some kids eat cookies to a society where everyone is healthy at the expense of a personality. So I say let Cookie Monster eat cookies whenever he feels like it! Let the Grouch be a grouch if he feels like it. And for the sake of all that is good, get rid of Elmo!